i wonder what my cause of death will be

 Hello my muses,

I'm sitting here with all my past student ID cards and studying my face, how it changed so much but so little over the years. Though, it baffles me how this little twig was me 5 years ago, how she went through her first year of high school and how she has survived ever since. I don't think I was made for this but here I am. Anyway, it's safe to say that my year 12 photo is by far the best one (thank you universe). I probably banked in all the luck I saved from the previous years because those photos are really something. Okay I'm staring at my face too much I don't even know what I look like anymore. 

Over the past few weeks, but lets be honest it started way before, everyone's been asking about my future; where I want to go, what I want to do. It's really stressful not gonna lie, because I have no idea. But I can't just say that, so over the past week I've been really looking into different universities and courses (okay like one uni and a handful of courses). There have been some things that have interested me but I can't imagine myself studying and pursuing anything. To be fair, I can't imagine myself making it out of this year alive so there's that. Jokes of course. I can't wait until I'm old and wrinkly and no one expects anything from me and I can just chill. Because life right now is so unchill and so serious. Anyway, the one course I was most keen about was physiotherapy. It sounds really interesting to me and I can sorta see myself as one (but objectively, I don't really know everything that the job entails). Alas, my parents don't think I'd make a good physiotherapist so they are pushing for either optometry (or something of that nature) or commerce. I think accounting would be my backup if I do apply for physiotherapy (or anything) because I do it at school and it's pretty chill (compared to my other subjects which by the way, year 10 me really griefed me by choosing these subjects). Though, I think I would gouge my eyes out if I had to work in an office job. This is me 100% making assumptions about something I haven't experienced but I know myself and I don't think I can keep up a monotonous routine for the rest of my life. If someone can come up with a compelling case to convince me of otherwise please let me hear it. I think I have a really negative mindset about all of this because I really don't want to make past this year (jokes) but I have to think about this stuff in case I do. 

Okay I sound really depressed but don't worry I'm not. I know this because I know I've been way worse. The only thing keeping me from totally losing the plot is the threat of the repercussions I would face if I stopped trying. If my brain could just shut up I think I would like life a little more. But at the same time, I feel like I'm living on autopilot and it pisses me off. Especially when I look back and wonder how all this time passed and if I can get it all back. 

This post is a bit sad and a bit boring but that really sums up my life right now. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

- Jessica